Something very personal and close to heart.

by - Sunday, February 01, 2015

This is a personal post and close to the heart I would say? I was reading a very good book on my astrology sign and it was very on point and true... My personality and the things I do is so black and white and sometimes it can be very overwhelming? I get stressed very easily and put myself in situations I shouldnt be in. My sign... I am the hardest credic on myself out of all signs and it does get extremely hard at times. I am the type of person who has been hurt in the past and the infamous "daddy issues" He left when I was young so I turned to like food for comfort, thus me being so pudgy for an asian girl. So I always think the worst in any relationship I've been in or future ones. I just cant handle any more of that mess so Ive been single for quite some time! I told myself this year I will be a better person and keep molding myself into someone who wont be so beaten up by life. I dont think I am very lucky haha I have to work hard for anything I do and keep myself busy to prove to myself I can make it, but that leaves me feeling more alone.

My circle of friends dwindled down to about 2 or 3 people and even that... They are changing and moving to their own styles and such that I should just not even try lol. I was told by a friend to try these dating apps to find new ppl... I do not know why I listen to her when she herself is more introverted and hates ppl LOL! But I did give it a shot and I hated it.. the whole idea of going on dates and stuff just irks me a lot. Even my boss... started to use it which made me even more grossed out like... this fool is married and shit... Smh... But that is where I am at in life right now... Trying to just find someone to just be with since trying to hold onto friends I am not good about. I am bitter and honestly dont give a shit about cutting ppl out either. I think I am at that age where I am just not into shit anymore.

What am I doing to change all this? Trying to be more social and out going, To actually transform into the person I know I have inside. I work with a lot of fake ppl that only opened my eyes even more to the bullshit ppl have in their hearts... Everyone is fake to some extent... Friendship is based on if they enjoy your company or may use you. Simple as that. As of right now I do not enjoy anything, but the fact that I have been hating myself for far too long and being with ppl that only makes it worse. Idk if I am going through quarter life crises... But I do know... I have to keep moving forward and try to be more positive...

With all that being said... I hope you, my precious reader, have a wonderful weekend. I am going to join this fitgirlguide thing where it takes 28 days to transform yourself. There is also a contest as well whoever transforms the best. I want to enter and it to motivate me more.. You can get by in life without being happy with yourself so how can you expect someone else to? or even give you what you want right? It would be great to find others to share this journey with but i will try hard! I will be better...

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