Hello my beautiful soul. I realized that... I have been beating myself up and making things worse than it should be. Struggling to understand things that happen when I should just move on from it. I lost a lot of friends and its normal. People grow apart and do different things, see different people, and do things without you. I think that was the biggest event that happened in my life. I thought being together for 5+ years would hold a  factor into the mix, but its just memories, a good run while it lasted. I was just in a bitter phase and thought like why can't I find someone to stay loyal to me like I am with others? World just doesnt work that way or in ones favor, so I find myself ok with everything now. I am older now and I know what I need to do with my life. I have to be there for myself and just take things as it comes and work on myself which is another hurdle. Loving myself and getting to the place I want.

My long term goals that I will work on:

Be more forgiving and less judgmental. I didnt realize how zero minded I was when it came to certain things. How I would stick my nose up to certain ppl by the way they dress or what the tried to be. I didnt realize how judgmental I was until I worked with such awful ppl. By being different was so hated like I didnt know I was different in others eyes and it woke something up inside me... More compassion or forgiveness? I have no clue. I just didnt want to be zero minded asshole.

I want to love myself. I think this will be the journey that hurts the most and the longest. I have been trying for years, but I always set myself up for failure when things dont go the way I want and the results come in slow. Ive always struggled with my weight and with  relationships. I get lonely sometimes and venture out to find someone to fill that void only to have them make it deeper. I cant love someone when I cant even love myself. I dont see things through when I dont get the results I want and that mind set will never get me anywhere. So I need to stop making excuses and go through with things. It would be so much nicer to find a workout buddy that is close by to be more motivation!

Youtube grind. I have been in it for years and seeing these girls surpass me and have killer travel experiences gets me so riled up! Like I could be living that life! Yet I hold myself up... That pressure of being judged plus my camera settings and video edits are in need of major work... It is hard to be in this type of industry when everyone trying to do the same... Like I want to be different, but all these girls doing the same thing. How can I even compete with that?  I bought all these expensive things to be a guru, but having that self confidence and knowledge of video edits I am lacking in. Hopefully soon I can be better and get the views and youtube life together... That would be a dream come true.

SO goals. be more friendly and get into shape so that I can achieve better things in life! Will try to be more active on here and update you guys better since I have more off days and more time to myself instead of worrying about others.